The Sport-ification Of German Automakers Is Driving Me Nuts

I like fast cars. I like sporty cars. I like cars that are engaging to drive, but I don’t need every single car to be like that. Sometimes I want a car to be a big couch that just happens to be fast. This is where companies like BMW and Mercedes-Benz have lost their way a little bit in my eyes. I recently spent time with the BMW X1 M35i and the Mercedes-AMG GLC43. A few years ago, both of those cars would have been very normal, comfortable cruisers that just happened to have a bigger engine than base. Now, though, they’re hard. They’re rough. They’re too sporty for their own good.

It’s a trend I’m seeing with lots of vehicle lineups at manufacturers that have a bespoke performance division. Base models are the only Mercedes and BMWs that don’t have M or AMG badges splattered all over them with punishing suspension tunes. It’s a real problem, and I need to talk about it.

Full Disclosure: Both BMW and Mercedes-Benz were kind enough to lend me these cars with a full tank of gas to do with as I pleased for a week.

Years ago, M and AMG badges were reserved for only the top-of-the-line sports variant in a model lineup, but now anything that’s even an inch above base gets the treatment. I could deal with some badges and more aggressive styling. Where I take issue is the fact they screw up the suspension on these mid-level cars. There is no need for a non-full-fat AMG or M crossover to have this rough of a ride over even smooth pavement. There’s no need for the engine’s tune to be this aggressive, either.

The problem isn’t quite as prevalent at Mercedes-Benz. For the most part, the automaker offers two or three AMG versions of a certain model along with one or two non-AMGs, so I suppose there’s a little bit more wiggle room there, but BMW went balls to the wall with their M shit. I had a look through BMW’s entire lineup — which consists of 947 different vehicles and variants — and on every last one (save for the PHEV X5, 5 Series and 7 Series) all of the trims but the base model is M-branded.

I’m not just talking about legit M stuff like the M2, M3, X5 M, etc., either. I’m talking about the cars like the M340i. That should be a normal, comfy 3 Series that just happens to have a bigger, more powerful engine. It doesn’t need to have a rock-hard suspension and a rowdy engine tune. Where did my comfortable German cruise missiles go? Not everything needs to be a sports car with aggressive styling, zero suspension travel and ass-hugging bucket seats.

BMW, I promise you’d sell just as many if you softened this car and made it just a regular 340i. I know it’s true because that’s how it was in the past. Remember the E90 335i? Sure, it had a big 300-horsepower twin-turbo inline-6 motor, which was wild for the time, but it still had comfortable-ish suspension and non-aggressive styling. That’s what I want to come back. We need to make these cars great again, folks. That’s what we’ve got to do.

Don’t think Mercedes-Benz is off the hook, either. There is zero reason for the GLC43 to be an AMG car. It just does not need to be. Keep that peppy little electrically turbocharged 2.0-liter inline-4 motor, smooth out the hard edges of the exterior and ease up the suspension and you get a much better car in my opinion. You could call it the GLC450, which is a nomenclature that already existed. Sure, there’s a market out there for folks who want a rowdy GLC AMG, but that’s what the GLC63 is for.

Alright, fine. Let’s say you’re a freak who wants the powerful engine and the hard suspension the GLC43 gives you. I’ll let it live. All I’m saying is Mercedes-Benz needs to make a chiller version of the car to run alongside it. I’m all about choices when it comes to cars, and the ability to pair a big motor with a more chill driving experience is something that is worth having.

Sure, both the GLC43 and X1 M35i are good cars to drive. They can take a corner about as well as a compact crossover out there, and their two-liter turbo engines make plenty of power — 416 and 312 horsepower, respectively — but does any of that matter when your spine is being jackhammered through your skull because the ride is so rough? I just don’t think so. Sure, it’s neat that the AMG’s motor is handbuilt, but still, we can do that on non-AMG cars, can’t we? Let’s also forget that sticking these badges and sportier suspension setups on these cars makes them pretty damn expensive. The AMG I drove came in at $77,757 and the BMW was $58,595, both including destination. That’s a lot of cash.

I know why this has happened. Dumbass auto journalists like me complained about regular cars not being great at going around corners when they don’t even need to be. The automakers saw what we said and decided to give us what “we” wanted. Well, friends, it’s time to go back. No one cares how quickly a GLC43 or X1 M35i can go around a track. People care about how the car feels around town and overtaking on a highway. That’s the shit that really matters. They don’t care if the exhaust has a burble tune or aggressive styling. They want the car to be comfortable enough to drive every day. It’s time to start a soft-car revolution, people. I will be your leader. Follow me to a world of more leisure.