Weds Night Monologues: Screw It, Trump's a Nazi - LateNighter

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For so long in the national nightmare that’s been Donald Trump’s political career, his supporters have bridled at any suggestion that their Chosen One was anything like Adolph Hitler. “Oh,” they cried in sputtering unison, “you liberals just call anybody you don’t agree with a Nazi.”

And while Godwin’s Law has been amended to allow people to call actual Nazis Nazis when they act like Nazis, Trump’s MAGA minions have a point when it comes to the now three-time republican nominee for President. After all, it’s not like he ever said that non-white immigrants were poisoning the blood of America. Or enacted a ban on non-white people of a certain religion from entering the country. Or smeared entire non-white communities as rapists and pet-eating savages. Or called his political opponents “vermin” and threatened to round them all up in military sweeps. Or attempted to order his military to shoot protesters for voicing their opposition to his policies. Or worshipfully praised global dictators like Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Recep Erdoğan, Viktor Orban, and Xi Jingping. Or proposed literal concentration camps for the millions of non-white immigrants he wants the military to gather up at gunpoint for deportation. Or pitched his campaign rallies to the most nativist, racist cheap seats of white yahoos attracted to the flame of xenophobic hatred and Big Brother’s promises of blissfully monochromatic safety.

Oh, wait, Donald Trump does literally all of those things. On the reg.

“Well, at least Trump has never praised Adolph Hitler and wished his administration had been packed with Nazi general yes men who wouldn’t pester him with quibbles about the Constitution or anything,” he said, totally not leading up to the sort of damning revelation that would sink a candidacy in any functional society. Yeah, Trump loooves him some Hitler. That according to that noted lefty pantywaist liberal [checks notes] General John Kelly, the career military man who was Trump’s longest-serving Chief of Staff and who, in several interviews this week, said in no uncertain terms that Donald Trump fits every conceivable definition of a fascist. Oh, and that Trump wished his generals were a lot less like Kelly and other former Trump administration advisers like H.R. McMaster, Mark Milley, and James Mattis, all of whom have come out against the very idea that Donald Trump should ever be allowed anywhere near the White House again—and more like those compliant German generals. You know, like the ones Hitler had.

It is, as several late-night hosts referred to Kelly’s revelations, “a bombshell.” Although, as Stephen Colbert noted when pointing to literally everything Trump has ever said or done, “So this is less of an October Surprise and more of an Early Autumn No Sh*t.”

“What makes John Kelly so sure that Trump’s a fascist? Well among other things, Trump apparently praised Hitler. Yeah, that one.”

“[On Kelly saying Trump “falls into the general definition of a fascist] “He also falls into the specific definition of a fascist.”

“It gets crazier because according to John Kelly, Trump is such a fascist that he even has an all-time favorite dictator. And if you’re thinking, ‘No no no, no no, it’s can’t be,’ uh, yes it can.”

[On Trump’s assertion, “Hitler did some good things”] “Hitler did some good things. I mean he killed himself.”

“Now to be fair, I can make an argument that Hitler did one thing that was good. He killed Hitler. He doesn’t get enough credit for that.”

“In a new interview, former White House Chief of Staff John Kely said that former President Trump spoke positively about Adolph Hitler more than once and added, he wanted ‘the kind og generals Hitler had.’ You know what? I’m starting to think that Trump doesn’t watch the ends of documentaries.”

“Trump made it worse today when he said, Whoops, mein bad.”

“Let me give you a definition. Fascism is a nationalist political movement that builds a cult around an all-powerful leader who vows to protect his subjects from racially inferior ‘others’ and ‘the enemy within.’ Now that you know that, upon hearing John Kelly call Trump a fascist, you’re probably thinking, ‘Yeah, derrr.'”

“It’s amazing to hear an exasperated general go through the dictionary definition of fascism and tick off every box for Trump. ‘Is he a fascist? Uh, well he calls his opponents vermin, scum, the enemy within, and he wants to round up his critics and conduct mass deportation raids, he talks like a fascist, he’s friends with fascists, he compliments fascists, and the worst thing, he just got a pin that says, I’m a fascist.'”

“Wow, Donald Trump’s old Chief of Staff is calling him a fascist. That is huge. Although I will say, telling America you’re about to elect a fascist is a pretty major thing to announce in an audio clip, you know? Like he couldn’t put on pants and say it into a camera? It’s like if aliens were invading and the President told in a screenshot from his Notes app.”

“In an interview with the New York Times, former White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said that Donald Trump met the definition of a fascist, would govern like a dictator if allowed, wanted the kind of generals Hitler had, believes fascism would work better than American democracy, and had no understanding of the Constitution or ‘the concept of the rule of law.’ Said Republicans, ‘Unacceptable! Strike two!'”

“[Kelly] was a key member of Trump’s team. We haven’t seen someone turn on a leader like this since Hootie got ratted out by the Blowfish.”

“But what Kelly explained in an interview with The Atlantic magazine is that what Trump really loved about Hitler was how he surrounded himself with yes men. Or as they say in Germany, ja men.”

“This is the first election where reporters have to ask, ‘Who’d you root for when you watched Saving Private Ryan?'”

“Yeah, I feel like Trump took the wrong lesson from the Holocaust. The lesson I learned was to not do the Holocaust, but the lesson he learned was, ‘Wow, the Nazis were great listeners.'”

“That is so disturbing that he doesn’t know why that’s horrible. Reminds me of that old saying, ‘Those who do not learn from history and doomed to say ‘I need the kind of generals Hitler had’ and still somehow be statistically tied in the battleground states.'”

“And keep in mind, these guys were the adults in the room in the first Trump administration keeping Trump from going full dictator. And they’re not gonna be there the second time around. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not ready to put the future of American democracy in the hands of Secretary of Defense My Pillow Guy.”

[On Kelly attempting to ascertain that Trump was saying he wanted Hitler’s generals, not just any old German ones] “That’s how f**king insane Trump is, John Kelly was running through every other German general in his mind trying to get Trump to take the out. It’s like the worst game of Celebrity of all time. ‘Do you mean Kaiser Wilhelm’s generals?’ ‘No, keep going.’ ‘Bismarck’s generals?’ ‘Not him.’ The Hapsburgs? Ferdinand the Second. Is it Prince Leopold he First who fought Napoleon in 1831?’ [Buzzer sounds] ‘Nope sorry, we were looking for Hitler’s generals.'”

“Kelly was trying so hard to give him an out. ‘Okay German generals, but you don’t mean Hitler’s generals. Okay, you do mean Hitler’s generals, but you mean like Nathan Hitler, the guy my wife goes to pilates with, right? Help me out here, man.'”

“I like when John Kelly says, ‘if you know anything about history.’ I don’t think you even have to to know anything about history. You can probably get all the info you need from Mel Brooks movies and Bugs Bunny cartoons.”

[After Trump said that Chinese generals would know how to deal with dissidents and protesters] “‘Oh they would know, they would. Especially that crafty General Tso. He knows you gotta toss those protesters in some corn starch, fry ‘em all to a golden brown, and then drench them all in a tangy goo.'”

“I love how he was like, ‘You mean Bismarck’s generals, right?’ My man, the only generals Trump knows are the Chinese one that makes that chicken and the one that teamed up with Shaq to sell car insurance.”

“Once you have to explain to someone that Hitler was bad, there’s not much else to talk about. You don’t see many first dates survive that. ‘Everything Hitler did was in service of his racist, fascist philosophy.’ ‘Okay well, agree to disagree. Did you know the floors in wrestling rings used to be super-hard?'”

[On Kelly claiming that his military background prevents him from endorsing a particular candidate] “Okay, technically. But this is kind of an endorsement, right? ‘I am your father. And I would never pick a favorite child. But Kyle did lose our dog, fail out of school, and frame his parents for several of his arsons. The point is, I love both my children equally. My straight-A student Amanda, and Kyle the flaming dog-loser.'”

Brian Kilmeade proved himself in the wake of Trump’s “Yay, Hitler” revelations, to be the most slavish sycophant at Fox News this week. And really think about the contest in that category. Defending Trump’s stated wish for German generals just like the ones old Adolph used to have on Fox’s morning wake-and-hate show, Kilmeade stuck up for his Glorious Leader, stating, [full quote added for nauseating clarity], “And I can absolutely see him go, ‘It’d be great to have German generals that actually do what we ask them to do,’ maybe not fully being cognizant of the third rail of German generals who were Nazis or whatever.”

It’s the “or whatever’ that truly encapsulates the MAGA mindset of wallpapering over Trump’s most disqualifyingly nuts and/or hateful statements and actions and demanding that viewers ignore the seeping, reeking stain spreading through the hasty cover-up job. Late-night hosts were not having it, while letting the bootlicking Kilmeade have it.

“Anyway, this is pretty indefensible stuff. And when Trump does something truly indefensible, you can always count on Fox News to defend it.”

“Of everything Kilmeade said there I think the worst was ‘and whatever.’ The lack of morality and integrity one has to have to go to work cleaning up Trump’s affection for Hitler’s is astounding. I mean why wouldn’t Trump say, for example, FDR’s generals, or Truman’s generals, or Churchill’s generals. I mean surely history says those were pretty good listeners. There’s only one good reason he f**king likes Hitler. He’s also bad at history, because Hitler’s generals he’s so impressed with, they didn’t even like Hitler. Some of them even tried to assassinate him, but that’s beyond Trump’s comprehension because he sees Hitler and is like, ‘Who couldn’t like this guy? I’d love to meet him, I hope he comes to the drive-thru.'”

“Okay, did you just ‘whatever’ the Holocaust? ‘Whatever’ is for insignificant things, like when you put the plastic recycling in the paper recycling. It’s not, ‘Oops, I did a genocide.'”

“I like that Kilmeade thinks that praising Hitler is the third rail, like its a taboo subject it’s not PC to talk about at the office any more. ‘Ugh, you can’t even compliment a woman’s haircut, or tell her about all the good things Hitler did anymore. Thanks, woke police.'”

It’s been a long campaign cycle, you guys.

“I feel like I’m in a fugue state. You know that feeling when you get the flu and you wake up at 3 a.m. shivering, but also sweating and you stumble into the bathroom, and you flick on the lights and everything’s spinning and you rummage through the drawer for the real Sudafed, you know, the good stuff they hide behind the cashier because you have to show ID. You know, because you can use it to make meth and it’s been expired for two years but you take it anyway. And it immediately, like dries you out, but it also revs your brain up like you’re listening to a podcast of your own thoughts at 1.5 speed. And then you pass out but you wake up like 24 hours later and you don’t know what day it is but you’re hungry and nauseous at the same time so you drag your ass to a drive-thru and the server’s like, weirdly familiar. And you think, ‘Where the f**k am I?,’ and he says, ‘You’re at McDonald’s bitch,’ and you think to yourself, ‘Oh sh*t, that was the good Sudafed,’ and he’s like, ‘Nooo, this is real life.’ And you’re like, ‘Whoa, are you inside my head?,’ and he says, ‘I’ve always been inside your head. I reside deep inside the recesses of human consciousness and I can finally reveal the question at the heart of our existence.’ And you’re like, ‘Ohhh, okay, I’m ready.’ And he says, ‘Would you like fries with that?’ And then you wake up screaming at home in your bed and you think it was all just a dream, but then you turn on your TV and your dream is the f**king news? That’s how I feel all the time.”

While all this “one major presidential candidate openly plotting to become a Hitler-lovin’ dictator” stuff is playing out, Vice President and woman not publicly wishing for unchecked absolute power to imprison her political enemies and shoot down all who oppose her Kamala Harris is running a normal campaign. Normal in the sense of attracting more and more big names both inside and outside of the political sphere who think that letting Donald Trump back into power is the dumbest f**king idea in the history of Earth.

At a Detroit rally, former President Obama quoted “Lose Yourself” after being introduced by local rap legend Eminem, who politely asked people to register and vote for Harris. Meanwhile, in the neighboring swing state of Wisconsin, Harris’ heretofore affable running mate Tim Walz channeled some less polite Marshall Mathers by roasting Trump (for the Hitler stuff) and Trump-supporting anti-democracy misinformation broker Elon Musk (for jumping up and down at a Trump rally “like a dipsh*t.”)

In short, if you’re enough of a dipsh*t to make Tim Walz call you a dipsh*t, you really must be a dipsh*t.

“You know somewhere Trump is yelling at his aides, ‘How could M&Ms betray me! I don’t understand, is there no loyalty? Every day I stuff handfuls into my cheeks like a squirrel.'”

[On an uncharacteristically subdued Eminem] “Wow, this guy got polite, you know? ‘Now everybody in the 313/Put your motherf**kin’ hands up and fill out your voter registration in a timely fashion. Please.'”

[On Obama segueing into “Lose Yourself”] “Was that song Osama Bin Laden? Because Obama just killed it.”

“Wow, this campaign has changed Tim Walz. A month ago he was like, ‘Aw gee whiz, I love goin’ to Menards.’ And now he’s all, ‘Why don’t you suck my nards, huh?'”

“That is top-tier Midwestern dad slam. I believe the scale goes: mister, pal, knucklehead, real piece o’ work, bozo, dipsh*t, and (silently stands up and walks to garage).”

“Denny’s announced that they’re closing 150 locations and are no longer requiring all their restaurants to be open 24/7. Customers heard and were like, ‘Well I guess I’ll be taking my parking lot murders elsewhere.'”

[On Trump’s interview with former WWE wrestler The Undertaker] “I’ve never seen him more engaged in my life. The Undertaker is the one who keeps trying to bring it back to politics and Trump’s the one who wants to keep talking about wrestling. And he seems specifically very interested in head trauma. ‘Did your head ever hurt so bad that you danced for over 40 minutes to ‘Ave Maria?'”

“Trump was never this interested in anything when he was president. I’ve watched him stand in the background of a pandemic briefing while scientists talked about pathogens and just fully spaced out, swaying back and forth like a drunk guy on a dunner cruise. I’ve seen him in actual cabinet meetings with government leaders where he clearly spaced out and has no idea what’s going—he’s got that vacant state on his face like he’s thinking, ‘I wonder what the Undertaker’s up to?'”

“New York’s Laguardia Airport was just named the best airport in the U.S. It’s amazing what adding a roof and indoor plumbing can do, isn’t it?”

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